just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
