If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
