Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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