he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
