I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
