he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
