This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
