You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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