Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
