im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
