Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Randomize
