his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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