I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
