Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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