i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
