I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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