HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
