I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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