Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
