I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Are we still banned from the library?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm too high and old for this...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
