you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
