I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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