The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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