I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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