Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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