Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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