I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Randomize
