I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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