I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
