I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
