a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Panties = found
Randomize
