dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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