Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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