Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
