1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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