did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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