i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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