I heard we made out
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
