My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
