why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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