ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
