my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
