He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
