i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
