I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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