So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
