So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
