Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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