Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
