i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize