so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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