It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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