I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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