I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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