if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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