did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
should my penis look like a turkey
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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