Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
