hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
