I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
