well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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