Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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